Valentine's Day

For once I have something to celebrate, so I won't wax on about how this Hallmark holiday sucks. Sorry. I plan to enjoy it this year. In the meantime feel free to read this excerpt, borrowed from the SF Chronicle from one of their fine columnists, Leah Garchik. It's kind of long (spread out over two days in the paper) but funny. Enjoy and have a Happy Valentine's Day!

First, individuals contemplate imaginary prospects:

-- "I get attractive ... after six drinks." (Woman on the dance floor at office Christmas party, overheard by Mark Larson.)

-- "I'm not a bad guy ... a little creepy maybe, but not a bad guy." (Man to man, overheard walking near the UC Berkeley campus by June Vonich.)

-- "I need to find a boyfriend because I need to argue with somebody." (Woman to woman, overheard on Hayes near Fillmore by Ronn L. Robbins.)

-- "I'm so tired of dating people who don't have decent jobs or career goals or lives, or can put themselves together or even have their own car. From now on, I'm only going out with people who have the 'tions: compensation, transportation, motivation, ambition, attraction." (Woman to man, overheard by Tim Wu.)

-- "If I were a vegetarian, I'd brag about it. I'd probably get laid a lot more often." (Man to man, overheard on Telegraph Avenue by Christina Tuccillo.)

-- "He wants to have kids, so he's going hetero." (Guy on a bicycle to another guy on a bicycle, overheard while leaving AT&T Park by Ricardo Morrissey.)

-- "I don't have a relationship with a man, so I decided to have a relationship with my hair." (Woman at the Fairfax Theatre, overheard by Shae Irving.)

-- "It's not that that I'm afraid of, but the broken heart afterward." (Woman to companion, overheard at Nordstrom in San Mateo by Sam Ainsworth.)

-- "I'm looking for a green man: high productivity and zero emissions." (Overheard in Macy's in Corte Madera by Jon Dreyer.)

-- "If only I was 20 years younger and lesbian." (Woman speaking about her yoga teacher, overheard by Elaine Geffen.)

-- "Call your wife first. And then call the contortionist." (Fifty-something male to companion, overheard at the ESPN zone for NBA All-Star weekend in Las Vegas by Anthony Passanisi.)

Next, they meet flesh-and-blood versions of those prospects. This is called "dating":

-- "I'm glad you're meeting someone interesting. It must be that new medicine you're on." (Female nurse on cell phone, overheard at Kaiser in San Francisco by Peter Washburn.)

-- "How is it that I get set up on a blind date with the one guy in Santa Cruz that's a Republican?' (Woman on cell phone, overheard on Pacific Avenue in Santa Cruz by Amy Wolitzer.)

-- "Well, he lives in the Lower Haight and works in Marin. He's like a jock-thug-hipster." (Woman on cell phone describing her new love interest, overheard on the 22 Fillmore by Rachel Huysentruyt.)

-- "In human relationships, there's a male energy and a female energy. ..." (Woman to woman, overheard on the Claremont Canyon fire road in Berkeley by Mike Palmer.)

-- "Every new boyfriend makes you get rid of the things the last boyfriend made you buy." (Woman overheard at Cafe Flore by Brian Bringardner.)

-- "I'm supposed to meet him here but I can't remember if he's hot. Is he hot?" (Woman on cell phone, overheard on Chestnut Street in the Marina by Mark Pitta.)

-- "I'm not going there to get laid, but I might have to leave early to avoid it." (Self-assured young man to friend, overheard near the UC Berkeley campus by Marilyn Pon.)

-- "I don't know if we'll get along. He's a liberal Democrat and I'm a communist." (Woman at Caffe Trieste, overheard by Donna Bero.)

-- "She'll probably talk about you on her blog tomorrow." (Overheard hiking up the Eagle Peak Trail on Mount Diablo by Mike Palmer.)

-- "I don't see us being a girlfriend-boyfriend thing. I mean, we could be, but it's so obvious to me we won't that I felt I should mention it." (Boy to girl, overheard at Jupiter in Berkeley by Dave Bourdon.)

-- "He can't get totally wasted because he's gotta donate sperm tomorrow." (Young woman to young woman, overheard on the 33 Stanyan by Tom Canaday.)

-- "It's not every day you find yourself dating a bullfighter." (Woman to friend, overheard in front of the Conservatory of Flowers by The Chronicle's Anastasia Hendrix.)

-- "Yes, I told him I have a boyfriend and a girlfriend. I mean I live in San Francisco, don't I?" (Person on cell phone on Montgomery Street, overheard by N. Stricker.)

-- "The first time she tried to break up with him, they weren't even going together." (Teenage girl to teenage boy, overheard in Alamo Square by Donna Laemmlen.)

-- "I'm glad you asked. Yes, I was once charged with attempted murder." (Couple on what seemed to be first date, overheard at NOPA by B. Stormont.)

If all goes well, they get down to business:

-- "So I told him, 'If she's standing close enough to kiss her it means she wants you to.' " (Man to friend, overheard at Pasta Pomodoro on 24th Street by Gerald Nachman.)

-- "Even my hips hurt the next day." (Woman to companions, overheard at Gloria Ferrer Champagne Caves in Sonoma by Leslie McLean.)

-- "So I told him, 'I don't want your phone number! I just want to make out.' " (Young woman on cell phone, overheard at City College in San Francisco by Hallie Strock.)

-- "We tried a popsicle cover, but it broke." (Teenage boy to teenage boy, overheard on the 43-Masonic by Dedo Tres.)

-- "Did she de-virginize him?" (Man on cell phone, overheard on Guerrero Street by Walter Gorman.)

-- "Barack Obama. We've made it our new safe word." (Woman to woman, overheard at the bar at Cafe Rouge by Desmond Yen.)

-- "Two small regulars." "Regulars?" "Yeah, I have a different lover this morning." (Young man talking with barista, overheard early morning at the French Hotel Cafe in Berkeley by Robin May.)

-- "I had to get a king-size bed. I'm dating a couple." (Customer overheard at White Horse Bar in Oakland by J.T.G.)

This from Day 2.

In the February of a relationship, buds form on its trees and tender love seems to flourish:

-- "Remember the first time we kissed?" "Oh, yeah. Was I wearing my white top or my green one?" (Teenage couple, overheard walking on Fourth Street in San Rafael by Patti Brennan.)

-- "He kept trying to put the moves on me, but then again, I was the one without clothes on." (Woman on cell phone, overheard outside a ground-floor window by Paul Hamberis.)

-- "And I thought, 'Wow, she looks hot.' Then I realized I was looking at myself in a mirror." (Woman to friends, overheard across the street from Cole Coffee in Oakland by Derek McCulloch.)

-- "My grandfather found himself another woman." (Fourth-grader telling fellow Marin County carpoolers why he has an extra grandmother, overheard by Jill Sperber.)

-- "I feel like I'm the luckiest guy in the world, 'cuz I keep running into these beautiful women with low self-esteem." (Guy to friends, overheard on the Alameda-Oakland ferry by Jennifer de Graaf.)

-- "I know he's going to propose to her. Guys don't just go into jewelry stores to look around." (One young woman to another, overheard on the F line by Donald Clausing.)

-- "Are you buying for a man or a woman?" (Man to man, shopping for Valentine's Day cards and overheard at Walgreens on Sansome by Ken Roberts.)

Specific things may impede progress:

-- "High maintenance doesn't begin to cover it. Dump him." (Middle-aged woman shopper, examining coffee mugs and dishing out advice, overheard at Bristol Farms in San Francisco by Elizabeth Partridge.)

-- "He's so cheap, he could have gasoline dripping from his nipples and he still wouldn't drive his car across the bay to see me." (Woman in line at Noe Valley Bank of America, overheard by Dennis Gordon.).

-- "Yeah, he's addicted to love. But he's allergic to life." (Man discussing high school classmate, overheard at Thanksgiving dinner by Bruce Wodhams.)

-- "And then I saw that he had an aol.com e-mail address, and that pretty much settled that." (Punky young woman to friend, overheard at Naan n' Chutney in the lower Haight by Eric Kessell.)

-- "Dude, you can't give wine in a box to chicks." (Young gent to pal, overheard at the College Avenue Safeway in Oakland by Peter Shelton.)

-- "There's a million men in the world. I don't need to take the one she wants." (Woman to woman, overheard in the cafeteria of the state Capitol in Sacramento by Mike Welch.)

-- "Well if she can't even say no to her siblings, how is she ever going to reject some jerk who has sex with cows?" (Woman standing in line at the Lumiere, overheard by Tosha Silver.)

-- "That's horrible. I would have spit right back at him!" (Woman on cell phone, overheard on Chestnut Street by Shirley Davalos.)

-- "Tell him if he says anything about last night, I'm never sleeping with his girlfriend again." (Woman on cell phone, overheard in parking lot of Kaiser Hospital in Redwood City by Capt. Harry.)

-- "He's a Sagittarius. That's why it took me so long to land him." (Woman to woman, overheard in Healdsburg Square by Carole Manners.)

-- "It's really hard to make major life changes and keep the same boyfriend." (Young woman on the 38-Geary, overheard by Steven Marker.)

Or there may be more general misunderstandings:

-- "Babe, I just told you, I'm a hero, not a zero." (Man talking loudly on cell phone, overheard at 24th and Mission by Kristian Nergaard.)

-- "Sushi is a date food. I don't want to have to say, 'This is not a date.' " (Overheard at a hotdog stand at Montgomery and Market by Michael Raifsnider.)

-- "You should just be happy that I didn't break up with you." (Young man on cell phone, overheard at 18th and Castro by David Liebendorfer.)

-- "He was too mellow for even, like, sarcasm." (Young 20ish woman to companion, overheard at Pine and Montgomery by Robyn Todd.)

-- "No, Claire is my roommate. Kevin is my girlfriend." (Man to man, overheard at the elevators at 77 Beale by Vernon Jenkins.)

As every country and western singer knows, some activities are dangerous:

-- "My girlfriend is Russian, so does that mean it's OK to cheat on her?" (Man to man, overheard in an elevator by Ashly Russell.)

-- "I wouldn't care if he was cheating with a man or cheating with a woman. It's still cheating." (Woman to woman, overheard at 24-Hour Fitness in Vallejo by Sharon Silveira.)

-- "I never lie to you! I almost always tell the truth." (High school girl on cell phone to her boyfriend, overheard on Mission Street by Simon Blint.)

Marriage is a scary prospect:

-- "You know you've gotta be careful when you marry, because divorce is forever." Woman to woman, overheard at Crissy Field by Patricia Molino.)

-- "The elephant for the wedding has gout." (Woman passenger overheard by A.G., driver of a Luxor Cab.)

-- "Elope!" (Bride in full wedding regalia to passing teenagers who offered congratulations, overheard at Fort Tryon Park in Manhattan by The Chronicle's Nanette Asimov.)

-- "I'd marry you just to divorce you." (Woman to co-worker, overheard in office by Casey Taylor.)

-- "She's Buddhist, he's Catholic, so they're meeting each other halfway and having the wedding in Vegas." (Woman to woman, overheard at a holiday party by Kareasa Wilkins.)

Once again, this is from the SF Chronicle columnist Leah Garchik, who also has a book coming out entitled "Real Life Romance", that has more quotes like these. Enjoy!